Rules of Condolence

Having gone through one of the most trying situations in my life, the loss of my father recently,I have just realised that when it comes to grief,most people,irrespective of how qualified or well read they are, fail miserably at condoling.We have a rule book about everything,but I guess there is one badly required to make people understand that there are certain rules which we all need to understand and follow while being with the people in grief.
1. Condolence is not about pushing the person in grief to the point of breakdown and making him/her miserable all over again.Most people seem to think that this is the way to condole.One needs help to come out of grief and not to be pushed deeper into it.
2.One needs support, a pillar to fall on but not a pillar which talks about itself.Talking of your own loss and your period of grief,DOES NOT help in bringing down the grief of the person who is currently going through it,nor does it do anything to make him/her feel better.
3.Never make an excuse for not condoling on time.THERE IS NO EXCUSE.If someone matters, there is always some time and space available to convey that you are there with the family who have suffered the cruel blow.
4. Make the condolence message short and just enough to convey what you feel.Beyond that you are just using words which don't matter to anyone.
5.Its a family which has shattered like a piece of glass......to pick up the shreds and get in shape takes time.Give the family the space that they need.Be there when they want....... not when you want.
6.A friend in need is a a friend indeed.We all know this idiom.If someone wants to live by it,this is the time.
7.People call and talk often, thinking they are being of help.Words don't matter after a certain time.......the deeds do....So, if you really have nothing much to offer other than words, keep them to a minimum....believe me, its more pain than help to receive the calls and talk and cry while you are actually trying to find the best way to deal with your loss.
8.Offer views when asked for...... its one thing all like to give for free all the time.This is one occasion, when you can spare the family in sorrow, from it and that will be a big help.
9.Do not analyse the death.........thats the worst way to condole.No one wants it and NEVER EVER do it......spare the family of the torture,they are in hell already.
10.Its very important to use the right words....the worst that I heard was "heartiest condolence".I guess, the person wanted to say "heartfelt or deepest condolence" but miserably messed up in conveying it properly.Your thoughts might be right but make sure,so are the words.

Lastly,the family who has lost their dear one, should realise that no matter what,you can't get back the person you have lost.The only way to go,is to move on.Life doesn't stop for anyone and do not expect that people will be with you forever.......take time, but just enough to give you energy to move on.....standing there and looking back will not change anything.....the tribute to the departed,lies in doing things the way he/she would have wanted you to.

Dearest Papa

Dearest Papa,

I dont remember how many letters I have written to you in the 35 years of my life ...some made you laugh, some made you mad and some were surely meant to make you feel good.....this is the only one where I will never know what you felt like after reading it...in fact,I dont even know if you are reading this anywhere.......but surely that doesn't stop me from writing it..because you are there for me and for our family...in every act of ours...just like you always were..

There are everyday events which make me realise that you never left us in lurch.....you lived your life meticulously and things still are the same way when you no longer are with us physically...you taught us in life and you continue to teach us in absentia.I can go on and on about how much we miss you and how tough life is .....but thats not what I wish to talk about..you were with me for 35 years of my life and the rest 35 (if I live as much),I want to live thinking of the good moments and my good fortune of having you as my father.
I read the other day that memories are fine but the problem with them is that you cannot touch them, feel them, hear them and they are never the same as the moment......that is exactly what I miss.......your voice,laughter,the mannerisms,the way you bit your lip when you wrote, the way you washed your face, the way you moved, the way you called us.........so many things which just defined you...
I wear your T shirts, your tie, use your shaving brush, smell the account books you maintained....feeling your presence your touch and smell in it...just pray that the smell doesn't wear off ...please stay in some form...just to give me the strength to stand....to take my step... to move on...life is way too tough alone...but as my uncle said, "A man is born, after his father passes away!' I see a lot of meaning in that.
Things haven't been and never will be the same now that you are not with us.As a doctor, whenever I saw people facing death, suffering and writhing in pain, living a morbid life and waiting for death to call them,I always dreaded it could be me seeing my father suffer like this. Death is inevitable but its only the angels who fly off to heaven, the rest wait their turn suffering and waiting for it to come.You always were an angel and I am glad the same was proven when you left us.
Time will change a lot of things - many say time heals,I don't think anything heals.....we just learn a way to live with the change.All I want is just come to us,Papa,when we really need you....come in some form... in some way...just a flutter in the air would be enough to let us know that you are around...that would give us the strength enough to take the next step...