Rules of Condolence

Having gone through one of the most trying situations in my life, the loss of my father recently,I have just realised that when it comes to grief,most people,irrespective of how qualified or well read they are, fail miserably at condoling.We have a rule book about everything,but I guess there is one badly required to make people understand that there are certain rules which we all need to understand and follow while being with the people in grief.
1. Condolence is not about pushing the person in grief to the point of breakdown and making him/her miserable all over again.Most people seem to think that this is the way to condole.One needs help to come out of grief and not to be pushed deeper into it.
2.One needs support, a pillar to fall on but not a pillar which talks about itself.Talking of your own loss and your period of grief,DOES NOT help in bringing down the grief of the person who is currently going through it,nor does it do anything to make him/her feel better.
3.Never make an excuse for not condoling on time.THERE IS NO EXCUSE.If someone matters, there is always some time and space available to convey that you are there with the family who have suffered the cruel blow.
4. Make the condolence message short and just enough to convey what you feel.Beyond that you are just using words which don't matter to anyone.
5.Its a family which has shattered like a piece of glass......to pick up the shreds and get in shape takes time.Give the family the space that they need.Be there when they want....... not when you want.
6.A friend in need is a a friend indeed.We all know this idiom.If someone wants to live by it,this is the time.
7.People call and talk often, thinking they are being of help.Words don't matter after a certain time.......the deeds do....So, if you really have nothing much to offer other than words, keep them to a minimum....believe me, its more pain than help to receive the calls and talk and cry while you are actually trying to find the best way to deal with your loss.
8.Offer views when asked for...... its one thing all like to give for free all the time.This is one occasion, when you can spare the family in sorrow, from it and that will be a big help.
9.Do not analyse the death.........thats the worst way to condole.No one wants it and NEVER EVER do it......spare the family of the torture,they are in hell already.
10.Its very important to use the right words....the worst that I heard was "heartiest condolence".I guess, the person wanted to say "heartfelt or deepest condolence" but miserably messed up in conveying it properly.Your thoughts might be right but make sure,so are the words.

Lastly,the family who has lost their dear one, should realise that no matter what,you can't get back the person you have lost.The only way to go,is to move on.Life doesn't stop for anyone and do not expect that people will be with you forever.......take time, but just enough to give you energy to move on.....standing there and looking back will not change anything.....the tribute to the departed,lies in doing things the way he/she would have wanted you to.

Dearest Papa

Dearest Papa,

I dont remember how many letters I have written to you in the 35 years of my life ...some made you laugh, some made you mad and some were surely meant to make you feel good.....this is the only one where I will never know what you felt like after reading it...in fact,I dont even know if you are reading this anywhere.......but surely that doesn't stop me from writing it..because you are there for me and for our family...in every act of ours...just like you always were..

There are everyday events which make me realise that you never left us in lurch.....you lived your life meticulously and things still are the same way when you no longer are with us physically...you taught us in life and you continue to teach us in absentia.I can go on and on about how much we miss you and how tough life is .....but thats not what I wish to talk about..you were with me for 35 years of my life and the rest 35 (if I live as much),I want to live thinking of the good moments and my good fortune of having you as my father.
I read the other day that memories are fine but the problem with them is that you cannot touch them, feel them, hear them and they are never the same as the moment......that is exactly what I miss.......your voice,laughter,the mannerisms,the way you bit your lip when you wrote, the way you washed your face, the way you moved, the way you called us.........so many things which just defined you...
I wear your T shirts, your tie, use your shaving brush, smell the account books you maintained....feeling your presence your touch and smell in it...just pray that the smell doesn't wear off ...please stay in some form...just to give me the strength to stand....to take my step... to move on...life is way too tough alone...but as my uncle said, "A man is born, after his father passes away!' I see a lot of meaning in that.
Things haven't been and never will be the same now that you are not with us.As a doctor, whenever I saw people facing death, suffering and writhing in pain, living a morbid life and waiting for death to call them,I always dreaded it could be me seeing my father suffer like this. Death is inevitable but its only the angels who fly off to heaven, the rest wait their turn suffering and waiting for it to come.You always were an angel and I am glad the same was proven when you left us.
Time will change a lot of things - many say time heals,I don't think anything heals.....we just learn a way to live with the change.All I want is just come to us,Papa,when we really need you....come in some form... in some way...just a flutter in the air would be enough to let us know that you are around...that would give us the strength enough to take the next step...

Hand of God!

Change of place and terror of using the right words to write trivia is what kept me from coming back to sweet,salt and bitter.But then it just takes a millisecond of a magnetic happening in my life to makes me rush to this iron board to spill my thoughts out.

I don't know if any of you believe in karma,fate and the hand of God.....(I use the phrase because its so suited in the football fever!).I am not too much into spirituality and before you can deduce that I probably fall on spirits and wines in moments of gloom,well,I don't indulge in that pleasure either...But an incident yesterday, really made me feel that there is the Hand of God and his watchful eyes on troubled souls and so here I am talking of it.

I just finished my operations and was heading back home having the satisfaction of made a couple of people's lives a bit better not knowing that my own life was going to be in troubled waters and I mean that literally...Entering into an empty, soulless house (my family just left for home and so the string of pathos in the adjectives that I use..)and did the most normal thing that 1 million people all over the world want to do after coming back... wash my hands.. and lo..panic gripped me when I saw the tap looking as if it had suffered a sudden stroke and landed into unrevivable paraplagia..not a drop flowing down.Panic,fear and all the negative emotions known to man thought of being friendly to me that very moment and I was in doldrums on what to do....it may appear not to be so alarming but it was a saturday......friday and saturday out here in this alien country are the times when even the birds don't chirp because its an official holiday!You aren't allowed to die on these two days because ...cmon.... its a holiday!

So where would I get a soul to find pity on this thirsty,panic stricken human..Anyway, once in water, you got to make an effort to save yourself from drowning (even the metaphors are related to water.. gosh!), so off i treaded along to the hospital administration to pull me out of this quicksand.But what  awaited me there was no mystery.Just a single person in the company of vacant seats around him sat there giving me what-the hell-are -you-doing-here-on-a-holiday look.I got on with the watery saga looking at him as if he was my knight in shinig armour.His reply was just two words "its saturday", enough to make me feel guilty that I had taken a saturday to run my taps dry!

And so I returned to the soulless and now drought struck house borrowing the keys of my friendly neighbour to use his toilet when nature calls (and it sure calls more often when you least want it to!).Resigning to my fate and cursing the water company, I got on with cooking and eating lunch when I had all but decided to rest the aching legs, the door bell rang.
The bell hardly rings in my house except when the garbage is due to be collected in the evening....so wondering who it could be ....I opened the door and BEHOLD....there stands my apartment maintenance incharge standing to ask me if I have any problem......I could almost see a crown with the halo around him and would not have minded accepting him as Lord Krishna, if he had said that .......he is anyway pretty close to being a Godly figure having a name of Mohammed.I just could not believe this stroke of luck.......on a saturday,I have the person whom I have been desparately wanting to meet standing at my door asking me for any complaints without me even writing one.He said it was a routine check.......I was zapped! I just poured out my problem even before I took a breath as I didnt want this to be a dream........ and even if it was let the water flow,Lord, before thy vanish from my sight!!!He heard and he left and the next time I opened the taps, the water was gushing and puffing like a wild boar through the tap...........can't really attribute this stroke of luck to anything else but............. THE HAND OF GOD! 

Can We Tolerate a PADOSAN?

Its a Sunday - a lazy beginning to the routine.I just played some old music to add to the lazy mood and the evergreen songs of Padosan were filling the quietness of my apartment.The thoughts went back to the movie and how the magic of some movies fails to diminish with time.They have the diamond touch....time just makes it more priceless.
Also,I was led to think if the same movie could have stood the test of current times.A movie which has got all the ingredients for success - humour,entertainment,nice music - would surely have got lots of brickbats if its release happened in 2010.A pig tailed south indian,played by a muslim Mehmood, would have not been allowed to get accolades and laughs ........in fact nothing that the movie has gained would have been possible.The magic would be lost in discussions at the Big Fights and Face the Nation shows of the so called premier news channels of the country.There would be media frenzy and the tamil political force would be all over the press and tv baring their fangs at the movie which makes a "mockery" of the dravidian culture .......the actor would be slapped with a number of cases against him from hurting religious sentiments to being anti national and would be running for cover trying to escape it all giving interviews and issuing public statements of apology.There would be widespread demonstration for stopping the movie.....time and public property would be damaged in bringing down the cinema halls and loads of sms campaigns would be trying to make a quick buck asking people to sms silly yes or no answers (as if it would solve the problem!!) about the the insensitivity of the moviemaker or something like that.No doubt the movie would have made a good deal of money with all the controversy and the producer would surely have had the last laugh but the sole purpose for which Padosan was made would be lost.......there would be no joy or entertainment.......just charred remains of hurt, anger and dissent would be left for discussion.

This is the new us......an intolerant human force....which like the 6 blind men trying to imagine each part of the elephant's body as per their imagination never managed to appreciate the beauty of the elephant.....we just keep reading between the lines and never try to understand what is really being said!
The makers of Padosan were just lucky not to have the current crop of mean politicians and the likes of Raj Thakerey as their padosi (neighbours) or else a gem in the collection of classic movies would not have retained its sheen and lustre!

ABOUT 3 MORE IDIOTS...

First of all, a very happy new year to all..Don't know if happiness is so easy to usher in by just changing the year but then it is a thought and practice carried out for so long and carries a positive vibe, worthy of being spread and passed on.
I had my family with me for the holidays and it surely brought a lot of joy and happiness meeting each other after a gap of 4 long months......especially for my little darling daughter,who I feel ,is unknowingly sacrificing the most in this decision of mine to take up the job at Port Blair.The worst thing about the holidays is that they end and make life more tough because you have just started romancing and getting to love it more and more when it suddenly moves away.So, my wife and kid moved back to their routine last Sunday and I returned to mine.......and just to keep that smile on my face stuck for some time more, I got a pirated dvd of "3 idiots" to watch; instead of cursing the time for passing by so early.
The movie is no doubt good and very enjoyable which every person who has led a life in hostel would surely associate with.I could draw a lot of parallels with my life in the medical college hostel where I spent almost 8 years of my life.I just got transported to the year 1993 when four words on a piece of telegram changed my life forever.It said : Selected for MBBS course.......
After the initial joy and partying,I remember moving out on 27th July,1993 from Pune with my father to join the course.We reached the college after a long and tiring journey and though I was nervous and scared like a wet cat to enter into the new world of being alone and catering for myself,I was nevertheless determined to go through it.After getting over with some paperwork, I was asked to undergo the medical examination which was being conducted in the physiology lab.And there, I saw a glimpse of my batchmates who would get embedded in my memory later as the guys who came as boys and girls and walked off the same college with a prefix to their name : DOCTOR- one word which carries a lot of trust and hope for every human on this earth.

My first medical check was quite a disaster.Don't know why, but my blood was under too much pressure and shooting and the doc who examined me checked twice and then asked me to rest and not to get tensed as this was a routine affair.Fortunately, the blood stopped being a cooker and the pressure came under control in some time.The next check really caught me off pants.........the surgeon wanted me to bare my nuts, a routine test done to check for conditions like hydrocoele and hernias which I learned later...but at that point of time, it was something shameful for me.......I was caught unawares but I had no option but to let my genitals get molested by the surgeon :(
And there as I was zipping myself feeling like a rape victim,I met the first idiot of my story.....Pravin Salunke,Salu for short......... jeans,shirt,finger combing his hair and acting more like a bollywood wannabe than a wannabe doctor......I moved on...The torture soon ended and the check ups were over and I was finally admitted as a first year doc to be....a dream come true..
We entered the hostel after 15 days of "Orientation" (a silly idea of the college authorities to make the new kids on the block stay in an ashram and get to know the Gandhian way of living.....surely  an extended party for all the fuchchas) We never learned anything Gandhian but had loads of fun in his name and got to know each other a bit better.
As we got our bags ready, we all felt like a chick coming out of the egg shell with no idea of what lay ahead .It was more scary than I had imagined and as the bus dropped us at the entrance of the hostel,I had  a feeling of getting caught by the enemies as prisoner of war. And the same was the feeling felt by all the guys with me........some more and some less but nevertheless all shaking in their pants.Myself and the Shahrukh look alike Pravin turned out to be neighbours and all we could do was sit in the room and wait for the clock to tick till it was finally time for dinner.Like slaves in a prison,we formed a queue and started with our first ragging act of banging our plates with the spoon all the way to the mess.We had also shaved our mouchtaches and the third button on our shirt was red, as instructed by the ragging inc.

We were then in for a long haul of ragging, some pleasant and some  not "decent" enough to be mentioned here, but enjoyable nonetheless.As the time passed, the ragging became fun and we started gelling with the seniors and batchmates alike.We jumped like frogs all over the hostel rooftops,had midnight campfires on the rooftops to celebrate birthdays and gave birthday bumps throughout the night while the intricate biochemistry charts and scary anatomy books waited for us to come and give them their due respect.It was a party never willing to end.
And the anatomy class brought in the forefront another idiot of my story...Vikrant Pulliwar,Pulli for short......a lean,fairly tall, spectacled dude who no matter what the time of the day had to keep his hairstyle intact and would spare no effort to do so. Anatomy was like taught to him in the womb....he could tell all the attachments of the muscles and the course of the arteries as if he were inside the body and tracing their path! And there was one more thing which he was known for ..........his STINKING SOCKS! In dearth of any anasthetic agent,they were surely "ram baan" to make a person faint! No exageration there....
Study wasn't easy.....seeing the body with which we were born, in a totally different perspective and learning the art of being a healer from a sufferer took around 5 years of our life.But what kept the wit,smiles and joys alive all this time was the friendship and pranks we 3 idiots had together.We hailed from Nagpur, Bombay and Delhi and once,for the holidays, we just planned to visit each other's house together and see the places too.We shopped at fashion street in Bombay and managed to convince the hunk among the 3 of us....Salu... to buy a short tight T shirt and make him get into that in the sulabh shauchalaya  to flaunt his muscles on the street.When we reached home and his sister saw him in the attire,she burst into splits of laughter and then she educated us that we had landed up buying an undersized female top for our muscle man which he flaunted all over Mumbai........We even have a picture of him in that........

Time has passed and we are now in different streams - Pravin is a Neurosurgeon, Pulli is an Orthopaedic Surgeon and well I became and Otolaryngologist (ENT Surgeon).But the smiles and fun have never failed to cross our faces when we reflect on the past...........thanks to the 3 IDIOTS ........3 more idiots have managed to relive their past!